Radical health cure mooted
Teetotaling Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced a brave new plan to fight soaring alcoholism in Russia's bleak and endless provinces.
The plan involves getting the substandard Russian military bogged down in an unwinnable war with a large NATO-backed ally, and then using this "national emergency" as an excuse to mobilise all the useless hicks who live out in Russia's depressing hinterlands.
It is thought that this desperate measure is the only way to get these unfortunates off the cheap, soul-destroying hooch that they often distil themselves in old gasoline canisters from turnip peelings, dead beetles, and unwashed babushka panties.
The plan, which has been underway since at least February this year, was only announced recently in a Zoom call of Putin shills who were told that the Russian government initially plans to round up around 300,000 semi-comatose alcoholics from train station foyers and under tractors.
Despite many restrictive measures taken by the authorities over the years, Russia still remains one of the most active alcohol consumers in the world. Excessive alcohol consumption is also among the most common reasons for the sexual impotency and low life expectancy of Russian men.
Some Russian nationalists have criticised Putin, claiming that the measures do not go far enough, as there are literally tens of millions of genuine alcoholics in the provinces whose only hope is to be pressganged into the army or sold into some kind of slavery, like in the Middle Ages.
Those caught in the dragnet will be marched off to army holding camps, where the high levels of corruption and general lack of provisions makes it extremely hard for them to get even rat-dropping-flavoured gruel never mind lovely, delicious, home-made vodka.
In order to assist with the plan, Putin has personally asked the authorities in all regions that the Russian army is expected to retreat through to hide, burn, or otherwise destroy all liquor supplies until the new recruits have departed in their headlong retreat to Moscow.
It is thought that this desperate measure is the only way to get these unfortunates off the cheap, soul-destroying hooch that they often distil themselves in old gasoline canisters from turnip peelings, dead beetles, and unwashed babushka panties.
The plan, which has been underway since at least February this year, was only announced recently in a Zoom call of Putin shills who were told that the Russian government initially plans to round up around 300,000 semi-comatose alcoholics from train station foyers and under tractors.
One less Russian alky pissing on the side of his local Orthodox church
In fact, it is so bad that Russia has been forced to export most of its top totty for decades.
Tragically underused Russian totty about to be exported to the whore factories of the West
Those caught in the dragnet will be marched off to army holding camps, where the high levels of corruption and general lack of provisions makes it extremely hard for them to get even rat-dropping-flavoured gruel never mind lovely, delicious, home-made vodka.
In order to assist with the plan, Putin has personally asked the authorities in all regions that the Russian army is expected to retreat through to hide, burn, or otherwise destroy all liquor supplies until the new recruits have departed in their headlong retreat to Moscow.
Mobilisation is worrying many Russians. But not Vera: “I’d be much happier if my son got wounded fighting in Ukraine than die of alcoholism here,” she tells me. Our latest report from Moscow as the draft continues. Producer @BBCWillVernon Cameras @AntonChicherov @LizaVereykina pic.twitter.com/f3zoVADJNq
— Steve Rosenberg (@BBCSteveR) September 23, 2022
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