Sir Kier Starmer explains how the plan will work
In yet another show of Prime Ministerial genius, Britain's Stalinist dictator, Sir Keir Starmer, has decided to release thousands of prisoners from jail early in order to provide emergency heating for the UK's hard-pressed pensioners.
The newly-freed criminals are thought to include thousands of arsonists, who, it is hoped, will be able to cause enough fires to prevent Britain's elderly from freezing to death this Winter.
The pensioners are in danger of frostbite and hypothermia due to the government's decision to cut the £300 given to each one of them every year to help them stay warm. The cut in spending was forced on the government after discovering a £20 billion hole in the budget left by the last government, which spent most of the money building an unused hotel in Rwanda.
A quick look down the back of the sofa at Number Ten only produced one 50p coin, inscribed with the logo "Diversity Built Britain," and a used cotton bud. After a three-hour cabinet meeting, it was decided that this would be insufficient to fill the gap in the budget, necessitating the cut in heating money.
However, allowing large numbers of criminals and arsonists out to roam the streets is expected to offset the problem of pensioners freezing to death, by causing dancing flames, choking smoke, and smouldering embers in the worst affected areas.
The newly-freed criminals are thought to include thousands of arsonists, who, it is hoped, will be able to cause enough fires to prevent Britain's elderly from freezing to death this Winter.
The pensioners are in danger of frostbite and hypothermia due to the government's decision to cut the £300 given to each one of them every year to help them stay warm. The cut in spending was forced on the government after discovering a £20 billion hole in the budget left by the last government, which spent most of the money building an unused hotel in Rwanda.
A quick look down the back of the sofa at Number Ten only produced one 50p coin, inscribed with the logo "Diversity Built Britain," and a used cotton bud. After a three-hour cabinet meeting, it was decided that this would be insufficient to fill the gap in the budget, necessitating the cut in heating money.
However, allowing large numbers of criminals and arsonists out to roam the streets is expected to offset the problem of pensioners freezing to death, by causing dancing flames, choking smoke, and smouldering embers in the worst affected areas.
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