Would-be hero Allen: the buckshot stops here
In the latest humiliation for America, an attempt to assassinate its worthless, corrupt, senile, and paedo-adjacent President proved to be of even lower quality than the target itself.
Sadly for all Americans, this latest attempt to kill Trump was not a high-quality Lee Harvey Oswald "miracle shot" that smeared the President's brains all over Dealey Plaza (and the First Lady) or a John Wilkes Booth's masterpiece of walking-the-fuck-up-to-the-President-and-blowing-that-motherfucker's-shit-clean-away.
Fuck, yeah!
Instead, it was a half-baked, low-quality piece of pointless performative crap and hysterical emo-venting, like so much else in modern-day America.
The would-be assassin, Cole Tomas Allen, got the first part right by arranging to have three names instead of two names like normal people, but after that it was sadly downhill.
The 31-year-old mixed-race gunman's "dastardly plan" to assassinate the President involved "rushing" a secret service/security checkpoint outside the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, where President Trump and other administration officials were present, armed with a shotgun primed with buckshot.
This would have perhaps worked if Donald Trump had been Donald Duck, a theory once pushed by failed GOP Presidential candidate Chris Christie, and had been sitting on a sleepy lake early in the morning, but was completely useless against even even low-grade modern-day American security.
This would have perhaps worked if Donald Trump had been Donald Duck, a theory once pushed by failed GOP Presidential candidate Chris Christie, and had been sitting on a sleepy lake early in the morning, but was completely useless against even even low-grade modern-day American security.
Trump as the assassin hoped to find him
Reports say that Allen exchanged "buckshot" with law enforcement and secret service personal at the checkpoint, with one officer sustaining minor injuries, after which the assailant was tackled and subdued at the scene.
In fact, Allen did not even reach the ballroom, where Trump and other attendees, like Stephen Miller, were panicking at the loud, ineffectual noises.
Luckily for the President, he had already "donned" his industrial strength diaper for the evening, and was thus able to successfully prevent an embarrassing leakage of enormous amounts of "fear-sewage" onto the floor of the Washington Hilton hotel.
In fact, Allen did not even reach the ballroom, where Trump and other attendees, like Stephen Miller, were panicking at the loud, ineffectual noises.
Luckily for the President, he had already "donned" his industrial strength diaper for the evening, and was thus able to successfully prevent an embarrassing leakage of enormous amounts of "fear-sewage" onto the floor of the Washington Hilton hotel.
Donald Trump having another diaper-full moment
NOTE: Certain liberties were taken with the English language in writing this news story in order to make it more intelligible to average Americans.
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