HIJACKED BY HER DYING EGGS, POP STAR RELEASES GUSHY, BROODY, CLUCKY LOVE-SICK ALBUM

Swift: the eggs have taken over

A major pop star, entering the "post-35 fertility desert," after nearly two decades of "putting her career first" and being "dicked around" by Limey chads, has released an embarrassingly self-indulgent and broody 12th album.

The album, which can be ordered anonymously on the internet, appears to be aimed at her 13th boyfriend and fiancé, whom she is attempting to cajole into marriage in a desperate attempt to "get with child" and join the "pudding club."

The album, The Life of a Showgirl by Taylor Swift, is the up-beat but still psychologically manipulative follow-up to her previous break-up album Tortured Poets Department, regarded by critics as a blatant attempt to air dirty laundry in public. 

The first song on the new album, "The Fate of Ophelia" is an embarrassingly sickly-sweet, gushy song about being "saved" by her latest beau, Travis Kelce, which could be even more embarrassing if he ends up dumping her. 

Meanwhile, all the other songs on the album subtly reinforce the idea of "settling down" with Travis into a life of "domestic bliss."

On "Wi$h Li$t," Swift clingingly croons:

"I just want you, huh, Have a couple kids, got the whole block looking like you, We tell the world to leave us thе fuck alone, and they do, wow, Got me drеaming 'bout a driveway with a basketball hoop"

It is not yet clear how Travis, who is an American football player, feels about his prospective marriage partner installing a basketball hoop in their matrimonial home, as this is a device which, in American culture, is generally thought to "invite" the presence of large unruly, black men. 

One untested theory is that she may be trying to activate Travis's "sub-racism" in a covert attempt to make him extra "protective" towards her.

Whatever the exact story behind each and every lyric, an album this clucky can only be explained by Taylor's ever-ticking biological clock. According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, a woman's fertility essentially drops off a cliff at the age of 35, which just happens to be the exact age that Swift as reached. Coincidence? I think not.