IN DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO AVOID U.S. TARIFFS, JAPAN ROLLS OUT RED CARPET FOR COGNITIVELY-DECLINING ORANGE BABOON

In one of the most perplexing displays of diplomacy since the Vichy French thanked Hitler for making their trains run on time, Japan has rolled out the red carpet for a large orange baboon in terminal cognitive decline.

In honour of the amber creature, the entire city of Tokyo was lit up in Red, White, and Blue (the American colours), although in a careless oversight by the Japanese Ministry of the Interior, no orange included in the subservient light show.

The tangerine thing, which is now American President thanks to a practical joke played on political elites by US voters, was then greeted by the Japanese Emperor at the Imperial Palace. However, the grunting marmalade blob was clearly unable to remember the Emperor's name or even the word "Emperor" and had to constantly point at the 126th occupant of the Chrysanthemum Throne when referring to him. 

This unprecedented show of deference and humiliation of one nation to another is motivated by Japan's desire to avoid American tariffs, as the Japanese economy, which once dominated the globe, has been in a sharp decline over recent years -- paralleling that of the America President's own plummeting IQ and basic awareness of reality.

Japanese government insiders believe that it is the only option, because if America pulled the plug, Japan would have to become a satellite of Communist China.