STARMER OFFERS "FOOD BANK CAGE FIGHTS" IN FINAL EFFORT TO LOCK DOWN REDWALL VOTE

Despite leading his Tory rivals by 20 points in the opinion polls, Keir Starmer isn't becoming complacent. The Labour Party leader, who is set to become Prime Minister on 4th July, still thinks he can lose. In fact, the robot-voiced politician is working harder than ever to appeal to voters who opted for Brexit and Boris Johnson in 2019 by offering them some electoral "red meat." Literally!

Among the more controversial proposals launched by the Labour leader in the last few days of the election are cage fights between the "vulnerable members of society" forced to use food banks.

It is believed this initiative will not only appeal to working class voters thinking of voting for Nigel Farage's "racist" Reform UK Party, but could also help Starmer to finally put "blue water" between himself and his "loony left" predecessor as Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn. 

Although the details are still being worked out, the "cage fight" plan would be for food bank applicants to be locked in cages and forced to engage in old fashioned fisticuffs to decide who gets the dented cans of beans, past-its-sell-by-date pasta, and other items donated by members of the public to enable welfare recipients to spend more of their dole money on booze, drugs, and new tattoos.

The matches, which would be fought to the death, would also lead to savings on welfare and prison budgets, while the income generated by selling TV rights to Sky Sport could fund cuts in NHS waiting lists for transgender operations and gut by-pass surgery.