VALUED KREMLIN ASSET MARRIED TO "HIS OWN GRANDMOTHER" PASSES AWAY AT EMBARRASSING AGE OF 69

Alex Salmond, a much-valued "Kremlin asset" and general political shit-stirrer with his own program on Putin-shill channel Russia Today, has sadly passed away at the embarrassing age of 69, an age which unfortunately conjures up images of people engaged in disgusting synchronised oral sex (I mean hang on for at least one more year, dude!)

Also embarrassing is the fact that Salmond was married to "his own grandmother" -- not literally, of course, but to a woman 17 years older than him. 

Salmond, known in Kremlin files as "Agent Pelmeni" (Russian for dumpling) and by former schoolmates as "Slimo Salmond" was part of the Soviet-backed "79 Group" that infiltrated the SNP from 1979 to 1982, when it was "officially disbanded" under pressure from the SNP leadership and the Thatcher government. In fact, it continued to operate in the shadows, and actually took over the party just before the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1990, when Salmond became leader and Thatcher resigned. 

A lack of Kremlin support in the 1990s saw Salmond's star wane, and he was ousted in 2000, when he resigned out of the blue. One possible explanation may be that MI5 had some sort of "kompromat" on him, or that the money from Russia simply dried up. But a resumption of Russian support, following Vladimir Putin's rise in the Zeroes, saw Salmond re-installed as SNP leader from 2004-2014, during the SNP's most polarising and divisive phase, leading to the 2014 Referendum that almost broke up the UK. 

Salmond stepped down as leader and First Minister in 2014, with his later years devoted to dealing with embarrassing sex scandals. Although cleared of any criminal acts -- he was not imposing enough to force his attentions on any woman -- the details of the case reveal him to be a pathetic and desperate incel who would try almost anything to get it on with his underlings in the Scottish government. 

A further indication that he was on the Kremlin payroll comes from his hard anti-trans stance. While this would be a natural position for any conservative or even sane person, it is not a natural position for a degenerate Leftist like Salmond, and simply reflects the Kremlin's polarisation tactics which aim to make this a wedge issue in the West.