AVERAGE BLOND OF MODICUM TALENT CONTINUES TO BE SUPER SUCCESSFUL, PROMPTING WAVE OF SATANIC CONSPIRACY THEORIES

The continued and unexpected success of an average-looking, flat-chested blond woman of mediocre talent has led to a growing wave of paranoia and conspiracy theorising among normal, everyday Americans.

The woman, who goes by the bland-sounding name of Taylor Swift, has enjoyed phenomenal success, even though she is, at best, a 7 out of ten and more likely a 6.5, and can't sing or dance much. In fact, she looks rather geeky and awkward in her ill-fitting on-stage underwear, and has even been dumped by some loser from the lowly Scottish village of Dumfries.

Renowned fertility expert, Stefan Molyneux, has also made the point that her "eggs" are "all shot," as she is already nearing the advanced age of 35, at which a woman's body is known to spontaneously degenerate into a pulsating blob of slime, cookie dough, and knitting patterns.

Despite these obvious limitations, Ms. Swift continues to enjoy the adulation of millions of "low-information Americans," and to sell out major music venues, like the Dog and Spoon Cafeteria in Soda Springs Kentucky and the Revival Baptist Tabernacle Tent in Burnt Elbow Idaho. 

This unwarranted success has led many average Americans, many of whom are Republicans, Trump supporters, or grifters on the internet, to suspect the singer of "using witchcraft" to attain her unholy success, or to "be in league with Satan Himself," with whom she is reported to have signed an international distribution deal on a 80/20 royalty split.

When you think about it, it is the only possible explanation.