DISGUSTING STITCH-UP BY SLIMY TORY CABAL ANNOINTS VILE REPTILIAN AS LEADER

In what is perhaps the darkest day for democracy ever, a vile reptilian creature that sleeps on a pile of gold coins in a secret basement has become the UK's Prime Minister.

The disgraceful appointment came after the snake-like creature, known only as "Rishi" to its handlers who regularly feed it "snacks" of dead mice, was appointed Prime Minister in a Satanic ceremony held deep in the catacombs of the darkly sinister 1922 Committee, presided over by the leering and possibly tumescent figure of Sir Graham Brady.

The vile creature, which is estimated to be almost five feet long, was then anointed with a foul unguent made from the recently eviscerated entrails of British democracy, before coiling itself round the now hollowed-out skull of the Conservative Party.